Passover Seders for those Formerly Unobservant

My friend Azriela Jaffe wrote an extremely insightful and thoughtful essay on what it's like not spending the Seders with nonobservant family.

Sederim Without Extended Family

April 14th, 2008 - Azriela Jaffe

My children, ages 10 – 13, feel sad every year when Pesach comes around, because they are in yeshivas where they are surrounded by friends who talk about their excitement about Pesach Sederim, and all the extended family who will be there. My children have grown up with their grandparents never at the Seder table, or any extended family for that matter, and this is how it will be until Moshiach comes. Sometimes I would try to console my children with the tried and true BT speech: “Some day you’ll be grown up with children, and I’ll be the Bubbe at your Seder table!” Lately, I don’t give that speech. I just hug them and say, “I understand. I miss having family at the Seder table too. I wish Grandma and Grandpa, and Nana and Papa, and your cousins could be there too.”

The key is, I miss the concept of having family at the Seder table. It’s a beautiful, sentimental idea that belongs with Pesach, like it was written into the script. But I don’t miss having my family at the Seder table, or my husband’s family either for that matter. That’s when the rosy picture breaks down. When I wrote the book, “What Do You Mean, You Can’t Eat in My Home, a Guide for Newly Observant Jews and Their Lesser Observant Family Members,” I had a conundrum when I got to the chapter on Pesach. First I tackled Pesach as a cheerleader: You can do it, you can have Seders even in your mother’s non-observant home, or you can join together with your secular sister and her kids. Here’s how! And for some families, these compromises and adjustments are a small price to pay for the pleasure of being with family on Pesach, and it is a goal that can be accomplished and relished. To those families who have figured out how to bring together observant and non-observant (or lesser observant) families at the Sederim, G-d bless you. In some families, compromises won’t work, and true harmony is only reached by making a mutual decision that on this holiday, or for this simcha, or in this circumstance, we just can’t be together. We still love each other, but we have to separate from each other at this time. And so it is, in our family, for Pesach.

I remember when my husband pointed out to me that all of my life, I had never actually experienced a Pesach Seder on Pesach. When we were growing up in our secular home, we knew we were Jewish because we celebrated Hanukkah instead of Christmas, and Passover instead of Easter. Our Seder took all of twenty minutes. We used a booklet produced by the Reform movement called, “The Concise Family Seder”, and my mom cooked a delicious (non-kosher of course) brisket and bought a box of matzoh. We dipped the parsley, recited the plagues, ate the horseradish, sang “Dayenu”, and got right to the meal. Every Seder, and its accompanying meal, was over before Passover actually began, because who’s going to wait until 9 PM to start? I’m sure we were eating bagels the next morning, and there was no meaningful discussion at the table. What was meaningful was that this completely secular family was still holding on to this annual ritual of the Passover Seder. It wasn’t what the Seder stood for that really mattered; what mattered is that we still identified as Jews, who therefore, did three things: circumcised our babies, avoided Christmas, and then sat around a Seder table reading stories of our ancestors to remember that we are Jews. Even when I was away at college, and an adult in my twenties before marrying my husband, I came home for the Seder.

For the past fifteen years, my husband and I have been conducting the Pesach Seder in our own home. We don’t join with other BT families (as many do, to relieve the sadness of loss of family and to celebrate together in friendship), but instead, we give our three children ample time at the Sederim to share over the volumes of learning they have brought home from Yeshiva. Getting together with family is not an option for us. Going there is impossible because there would be nothing kosher about it, and no willingness to accommodate to the extent we’d need. So then, why not invite family to our Sederim? We’ve always done so, but the answer is always no, and I understand. To them, it looks like a punishment. You don’t start until 9 PM? You spend two hours with all of the rituals before you get to the meal? Instead of nachas over the children’s excitement and learning, there is something between distaste and disdain, and who needs that at the Seder table?

I feel sad when I see the children’s excitement at the Seder table, and I know that their grandparents are missing out on all this nachas. I feel sad when I know that all of our family members choose to separate from us on the most family-centric holiday of the year. I feel sad when I’m going through the sometimes-exhausting Pesach preparations, and I dream about what it would be like to have a mother or sibling to share it with, or at least someone who could even relate. It can be a lonely time, Pesach, one that really reminds me how far we have moved away from our families of origin.

I’m not going to end this essay with a “rah rah” sentimental speech about how good my husband and I feel as observant Jews, and how this makes up for all of the sadness, etc. This is what is true for me. Sometimes the path of the BT is a lonely one, especially when it comes to family. Sometimes I ache for my family to join me. Sometimes I’m angry that they aren’t here. Sometimes they are angry that I am not there. Sometimes I miss the good old days when I didn’t know any better, and I didn’t have to clean out the whole house for Pesach, and the Seder was over in twenty minutes. . . let’s eat. But there’s no going back. What there is, after fifteen years on this path, is increased pride and conviction of where my husband, children, and I have gone – no turning back – and increased acceptance that this has meant a necessary separation from our families of origin. This is what it is. It isn’t perfect, but this is it, so we live with it and make the most of it. And sometimes we cry. While my husband’s eyes are brimming over from too much horseradish, mine are sometimes teary from being lonely for observant family to join us. G-d receives all of our tears, whatever their origin. A very famous alcoholic came up with an expression I find very true everytime Pesach rolls around: “G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Amen!

Raunch is rebranded as 'confidence'

From the L.A. Times

Raunch is rebranded as 'confidence'

by Meghan Daum

Many women during spring break seem to believe that their sexuality is their only currency.

March 15, 2008

This month, millions of young people will congregate on sunny beaches as far from home as possible in order to relieve themselves from the stresses of academia. Their methods? Around-the-clock binge drinking and lively cultural activities such as near-naked girl-against-girl wrestling matches held in giant vats of pudding.

The Fort Lauderdale version of spring break was originally made famous by the 1960 film "Where the Boys Are," but spring break is now thought to be best experienced in places like Cancun, Mexico, where the drinking age is 18 and tour companies build packages almost exclusively around access to alcohol: $100 procures a wristband that grants admission to clubs offering unlimited free alcohol.

Meanwhile, in news of the "no duh" variety, the American Medical Assn. released figures about sex and alcohol use during rowdy spring break vacations. The poll, which surveyed female college students and graduates aged 17 to 35, found that 74% believed women used drinking "as an excuse for outrageous behavior"; 83% "had friends who drank the majority of nights while on spring break"; and 12% "felt forced or pressured into sex" during spring break.

And no wonder. The Journal of American College Health has reported that women partying at spring break hot spots consume an average of 10 alcoholic drinks per day, and men consume an average of 18. Queasy yet? I know I am. A few years ago, I went to Cancun during spring break to research a magazine article. I was hoping to arrive at some grand psychological and existential reason as to why many of today's college women (who, after all, were presumably pursuing higher education because they wanted to be more than sex objects) seem so happy to let men lick tequila shots off their body parts.

I didn't exactly succeed. But after a week of talking to people in various states of undress and intoxication, I can tell you this much: What's happening on spring break beaches isn't just boys being boys and girls going wild. It's young people, women especially, deciding that the way to measure their readiness for the adult world is not in terms of education or emotional maturity but sexual desirability.

The raunchy contests and general debauchery were something that these women had prepared for, almost as though for a final exam. They'd logged hours at the gym, in tanning booths and at body wax salons. They'd save up money for breast implants and then timed the surgery so they'd be healed by spring break. Some seemed to have practiced drinking, experimenting with different alcohol combinations to see what afforded the fastest buzz with the least amount of calories and dollars spent.

One word I heard again and again, oddly, was "confidence." As they psyched themselves up for wet T-shirt contests or debated whether a given guy was worth flirting with, a lot of women told me that they saw spring break as the proving ground for their attractiveness. "If I can be considered hot here, I'll be hot anywhere," a rather morose woman sitting on a bar stool in a bikini and high heels told me. "I'm here to get confident."

That's sad, but it's not exactly irrational given the context (no one was there, after all, to participate in a chess tournament). But the more women I talked to, the more it became clear that hotness was, for them, the largest factor in the equation of their self-worth. When they talked about what they wanted to do with their lives, they spoke not of jobs or grad school but of looking good, of having the right equipment and experience to ensure a place in the raunch-obsessed pop culture they'd come to see as the real world.

And why not? These days, miniskirts the size of cocktail napkins are considered appropriate mall attire for 14-year-olds. Local newscasters seem to regard see-through shirts as proper on-air attire. And illiteracy appears to have spread to the point at which parents can put a T-shirt on a 2-year-old without noticing that the words "Future Hooters Girl" are printed across the front. With girl power like that, can we really blame these women for seeing their sexuality as their only currency?

Of course, despite the fact that an estimated 170,000 kids are expected to descend on Cancun this season, there are many more who have better things to do than pass out on the beer-stained floor of Congo Bongo. But every March, when the spring drinking statistics get trotted out like so many vodka shots lined up on a bar, I'm reminded of how much they reveal about everyday life. Revelers may tell themselves that whatever happens in Cancun stays in Cancun, but in some ways, the party never ends.

I'm feeling less confident already.

mdaum@latimescolumnists.com

Attention Parents: 1 in 4 Teen Girls Has Sexual Disease

Wow. At least one in four teenage girls (starting at 14 years old) nationwide has a sexually transmitted disease, or more than 3 million teens, according to the first study of its kind in this age group. We need to be aware of this as our daughters are very savvy and know what's going on in the world. It's up to us to be able to sit them down and explain to them why exactly "relations" are not for people their age, no matter what television, books, magazines, the internet and some acquaintances say.

read more | digg story

Lipa Lipa Lipa - Fear of a Black Hatted Planet

Okay, folks, what's your take?

[NEW UPDATE FROM LIPA BELOW ORIGINAL ARTICLE - AND BREAKING NEWS
There has been much talk regarding the Kol Koreh issued by Gedoley Yisroel banning the “Big Event Concert”. Rumors were being spread as to the status of the massive show - which was scheduled for March 9 in Madison Square Garden.

Many people were questioning us why we did not post anything. YWN had consulted with leading Gedolim, and we were instructed not to post anything regarding this issue until now.

Yeshiva World has just spoken to Lipa Schmeltzer (Motzei Shabbos 5:45AM EST) and he has informed us that he will not be singing at the “Big Event Concert”. This decision was reached after he consulted with Daas Torah, and talking to leading Gedoley Yisroel.

Lipa Schmeltzer must be publicly commended for listening to the words and wisdom of true Gedoley Yisroel.

Lipa tells YWN that many people have had issues with the type of material that he has been singing during his career. He always chose to ignore the requests of some of his fans to change his style of singing. Although he did have certain standards that he always kept (never singing for mixed crowds), he many time decided to follow the customers requests - and sing questionable tunes.

Lipa now has decided to make a big change. He has decided to turn over a leaf, and will be changing his entire style of music. He has decided that he does not think that the current style of Jewish music is apropos for Frum people to be listening to.

The past week has been very tough for Lipa and his family. Tough decisions have been made. Major decisions. Decisions about money. Decisions about his future. But Lipa has made the correct decision.

Lipa has met with many Gedoley Yisroel in the past two days, and spent countless hours talking to them. He has decided to forfeit a large sum of money by not singing this concert - and instead chose Daas Torah.

We are sure that Hashem will pay him back double for making the correct decision, and being Mikadesh Shem Shomayim!

Lipa also tells us that he is very concerned that there will be a backlash at the Rabbonim. He is publicly asking everyone to please refrain from making any accusations against any Rabbonim. “There is no reason for anyone to mix into this business, and everyone should rest assured that this was all done Bishalom”, Lipa said. “I don’t want anyone to talk Lashon Hara and Motzei Shem Ra against anyone - especially the Gedolim whom I have tremendous respect for”.

“I have recently started learning Bichavrusa with a leading Rosh Yeshiva, and I promised him that I will never sing any songs which were composed by non-Jews. Being true to my word, I have sang at more then a dozen Chasuna’s since I made that decision - and I have not sang “Yidden”, “Abi-Mileibt”, or “Numa” (Rabbi Nachman M’uman) or any other song that is questionable as to its origin”, Lipa told YWN.

“People should know that this Kol Koreh and ban against The Big Event was not directed at me personally, but at all concerts in general. The Rabbonim felt the need to put their foot down and attempt to stop all future concerts in NY.”

For any further information regarding the status of the Big Event Concert, please call the concert hotline at 718-873-0888.

The Tragedy of Heath Ledger & Living for Hollywood

Kudos to Andrea Peyser for yesterday's column about Heath Ledger.

I find it extremely sad & pathetic that it has almost become the norm for celebrities to be dysfunctional. I cannot comprehend why, after reaching a very high level of success, do these people spiral out of control, and either join the looney bin or literally kill themselves.
Just look at Britney Spears.
And what about Chris Farley, Sam Kinison, John Belushi, and so, so many more talented young people who died so young?

Is this the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for everyone desiring fame?
Who the hell needs it?

Regarding Heath Ledger, I've never seen any of his work, so I wasn't a fan. But many were.
Therefore, his life, and death, meant something to many. So here's the post....

http://www.nypost.com/seven/02072008/news/columnists/his_pals_are_guilty___and_so_was_he_701915.htm



February 7, 2008 -- THERE is nothing noble or beautiful about the so-called accidental death of Heath Ledger, a man with everything to live for - a beautiful daughter, a blossoming career, and a Victoria's Secret catalog-full of willing babes.

He threw it away, as gamely as if he had put a gun to his mouth and pulled the trigger.

He was reckless and greedy. He was fundamentally selfish.

Six Drug Cocktail Lethal For Heath

Now his daughter will grow up never knowing the man she worshiped from birth; his parents must bury a son they cherished.

And the rest of us outside Heath's Hollywood orbit are left to ask: What happened?

I'll tell you what happened. It is not easy for a young and otherwise healthy man to die at 28. It takes a lethal and varied combination of prescriptions. It takes planning.

But Heath did not act alone. He had help - and I'm not just talking about Teflon midget Mary-Kate Olsen, who astonishingly has failed to explain why she sent her hired muscle, instead of authorities, to Heath's apartment.

Heath was aided by a pack of enablers who tacitly encouraged and then covered up his addictions.

Cry for Heath's daughter. Cry for his parents. Cry for Michelle Williams. But don't cry for Heath.

I am disgusted that an adult had so little regard for those who loved him that he would continue to self-destruct.

But I am also disgusted with members of the media. Only after Heath was gone did I see damning 2-year-old video of him scratching his skin like a common junkie, nodding off in the midst of conversation, and drinking bottles of wine in the middle of the day.

This was incontrovertible proof that Heath was in trouble. Could airing the tapes have saved him? Or prevented even one kid from taking drugs? We'll never know.

I am disgusted with the Hollywood crowd that covers for him still. Natalie Portman, Sarah Jessica Parker, Josh Brolin and Ellen Page were just some of the heavies who warned "Entertainment Tonight" and "The Insider" that there would be consequences if they showed footage of Heath at a drug-fueled party.

The death may have been ruled an accident, but it looks as if it was a near certainty.

The truth must be told.

andrea.peyser@nypost.com

Escaping the Past

This post is for baal teshuvahs and/or those who had a colorful past before discovering the Torah way of life, or even other spiritual paths for my non-Jewish friends.

It's pretty wild how news regarding our "past lives" (meaning how we used to live our current lives) can affect us in the present.
More importantly, when one sees (especially in bold newspaper print) how choices made by old friends & acquaintances have completely ruined their lives, it just solidifies & strengthens 1000-fold the choice I made to live a Torah-observant life.

I used to hang out with these guys. I might have been privy to some of their activities in the 80s & 90s.
I easily could have taken a different path and went along with that lifestyle.
Then you would have also seen MY name in the paper today, with the 60+ indicted alleged Gambino family members & associates.

Baruch Hashem that of those of us who were tested, many have made the correct choice regarding which road to choose.

The FBI on Thursday, 2/7/08 claimed to have brought down the heirarchy of the Gambino crime family, by indicting 60-something alleged members & leaders.

We didn't learn about "mafia life" by just watching movies like "Goodfellas", "Donnie Brasco" and "The Godfather".

We lived amongst it. I personally am on first name basis with many of these guys from back in the day, and did (legit) business with some of them.

So sad how so many of my former fellow club-attendees, Flatlands Avenue hanger-outers, Fort Lauderdale Spring Breakers, friends, acquaintances & neighbors have wound up being indicted, in prision, rehabbed or dead.

To my fellow Canarsians, if you haven't yet seen the indictment, your jaw will remain open as you recognize about 1/3 the names from Old Canarsie.

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/html/nyregion/20070207indict.pdf

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/02/07/gambino.arrests.ap/index.html